Fragility Rules!

Fragility Rules!

Let’s get deep for a second. Life. (pretty deep right). Life is the oddest, strangest, yet most habitual and standard thing. It has this facade that lets you actually believe you are in control of the path you are on. It has a way of making you feel that every reaction you experience is due to some action you’ve previously emitted. And while that is true to some extent. I believe it goes way beyond these physical acts. Whether it’s the vibes, thoughts, hopes or dreams you put out into the universe they all have a way of ‘boomeranging’ right back to you. And the second we drop our guard and fall Fragile (even for only a second) we can truly appreciate the mesmerizing strength of the universe.

A program that is meant to turn me into a lean, mean, killing machine has already begun to open me up and allow me to appreciate the vulnerable, humane side of myself that honestly, I haven’t actually acknowledged before. And admitting that is possibly one of the scariest things, but hey ‘when in Rome’ right? It’s something that this series must be teaching me in some, weird, metaphorical way. Learning to “trust the process” is something so foreign to me (being the control freak I am) but slowly and surely I am learning and growing.

Navigating my way through the horror house of thoughts, doubts, fears is giving me a new-found perspective and way of life. I get so swept up in the frantic culture of work, uni, training, life, that I excuse myself from emotions, or dark, devious thoughts (ain’t nobody got time for that). But this last week; off from training, uni, work, has allowed me to be alone with my thoughts, and its such a surreal feeling. The ups, downs, twists and turns my head goes through in a matter of seconds is crazy, but once I sit, acknowledge and process the thoughts, a wave of calm comes over me. That moment of “weakness” has the most empowering effect as it allows me to see a true strength. Being able to sit, alone and in the dark and open the closet to finally face the monster (as Coach Mick would say) has an absolute serenity and provides a satisfaction that can only come from such an unguarded place.

And although this week has probably been one of the toughest to date. It truly came at the right time in this journey. Taking a step back from everything, threw me in the deep end, but I found my way out and feel so much stronger for it. And when I got the call on Thursday confirming my spot in fight camp, I couldn’t have felt more pumped and f***ing excited for the weeks to come…


Disclaimer, everything I am saying right now, will probably feel like the furthest thing from the truth in a few weeks time. But hey, what do you expect from someone who’s getting hit in the head for the next 10 weeks 😛


Oh and for all of those that only read this to stay updated with the training, it has been fab! Week 10 was full of outdoor adventures and it’s safe to say they were my favourite sessions to date, despite the fact I’m still finding sand everywhere! And I mean everywhere….. I’ve just had a week off, which has got me itching and scratching to get back on the mats meaning Monday the 19th, the beginning of Fight Camp, can’t come quick enough.

So that’s it for now. Thanks for reading. And until next time, I’m out!img_9995

I’ve Been Listening…

I’ve Been Listening…

Week 7. Week 7. Week 7.

It’s been an interesting one. Some ups, some downs and a whole lot of struggling. For the first time in this journey, I began doubting myself. I got hella frustrated at things out of my control and ultimately caved into those thoughts in my head.

I started the week as per routine. I went to training on Monday, went to work, ate, slept and got up to do it all the next day. Everything followed routine, and I didn’t feel anything went ‘wrong’ per se. But sometime during the first few days, I started to gain a little bit of anxiety. I began to doubt whether this was the thing for me, was I improving? Would I be ready for December 10th? The thoughts would fill my head at the worst of times, and I found myself, zoning out, distracted and ultimately not in the moment. I would day dream during important sessions, lectures, conversations and catch myself thinking about what I haven’t been doing thus far that has lead me to feel so unprepared; which, in turn, made me feel worse and even more behind. It was an endless circle. And although I was surprisingly open about my doubts and was aware that this is something that comes with the territory of doing this crazy, insane program it didn’t make it any easier to get out of the dumps.

Then in total contrast, yesterday I went to the acupuncturist to release the beast that is the inflammation in my hip and something happened. I was left in the room with some 20 odd needles poked and prodded intro different chakras/body parts, and I began to drift off. They had the lights off, blankets over me and just to top off the sleep time vibe had some meditating guru ‘sand, sea and shore’ ambience in the background. I began to nod off like the grandma I am only to be woken by the most excruciating pain. My eyes shot open, and I found myself sitting up, with my left hand on the bed and my right arm wrapping around the imaginary arm of my opponent as I went for the kimura submission we learnt earlier this week… So instead of drilling like a normal human being, with a real life partner while I’m actually awake and aware, my brain thought it would be fun trick me into doing it in my dreams only to actually act it out in real life. As I awkwardly lay back down on the bed, I had a giggle to myself and realised that this little physical action had a really deep meaning to me. And although I can’t quite decipher what it exactly is just yet, I realised that I am changing both mentally and physically due to this series.

Ultimately I know that there will be many ups and downs, and no matter how unprepared I feel right now, if I put in the work, when the time comes I will feel ready. And that doesn’t help get rid of the darkness that we all go through, but it does create the slightest crack that will allow me to keep driving. Moreover, it is that crack, that makes me sit at my desk on a Saturday night, with my laptop in hand, happy to have experienced the lows of this week and feel more energised than before. Doing several sessions without a strong passion, motivation, desire to keep going is difficult, but I made it through. With a stubborn mind and an even more stubborn injury, I still managed to wake up, get to training and work. And although it may not have been my best sessions ever, knowing that even in the worst of days I was able to push through makes me feel 1% stronger than when I started this journey. And honestly, that’s all I could ever ask for.

Oh and Coach Mick thank you for engraining “you need to drill, all the time, wherever you are” into my head, I clearly must have been listening real hard…

Well I’m Not Dead

Well I’m Not Dead

So. June 5th. 2pm. Tryouts.

It’s the day that everyone talks about. The day that will push you past your limits. Take you to places haven’t been. And really test if you’ve got the mental strength and kahoonas to get through these next 6 months.

There is so much hype and pressure leading up to this day that honestly I really tried to not think about it. Anytime someone asked me about it I replied “what tryouts?”. And whenever I started to think about it, I forced myself to look the other way because this was the only way I knew how to deal with it. I’ve been warned, and I’ve witnessed the intensity of the tryouts several times, and surprisingly it didn’t manage to lower the anxiety in any way. There is something so confronting about doing something you have never done but viewed enough times to realise that it’s going to be bloody difficult. The anticipation of the build up is the worst part. Leading up to the tryouts the thought of June 5 meant excuses and explanations for failure would bounce around my head. I would think about the difficulty of the day, the struggle that would follow if I were successful not to mention that I was going to miss my favourite fighter Cruz beat Faber.

However on the day of tryouts, my perspective seem to change. Somehow I managed to turn the anxiety and negativity into excitement and eagerness. I think I came to the realisation that the day was here, and there was no more opportunity to escape it. I could confront the problem head on. I realised that one way or another I was going to step onto those mats. Get through the horrors that were about to be thrown at me. And hours later step back off them and go home. At the end of the day, I would still be breathing (probably more like a wheezing), but ultimately I would still be alive. And if I was going to have to go through the agony I may as well try and enjoy it as much as possible.


So 2 pm hit Cruz’s fight was about to start and of course at that moment we were asked to step onto the mats and take a seat. I sat down, began stretching and patiently waited. After several minutes, the coaches joined us on the mats and talked us through the next few hours. After being given the house rules and repeatedly warned to “not puke on the mats under any circumstance” the tryouts were under way. We got a physical assessment to check our movement and then were sent over to get interviewed. After all of that was completed the real stuff began!

Now I don’t want to ruin the mystery that is the tryouts for any future contestants but let me just say that it wasn’t your average conditioning session like I was trying to convince myself it was. It was tough. But none the less I had a bunch of fun. There is something about being pushed to my limits, while being surrounded by a bunch of people that all have the same goal in mind that is motivating. Somehow sharing a hatred for the coaches yelling at you, a deep burn in muscles you didn’t even know existed and sweating out the what seems like the Pacific ocean allows you to gain a sense of comradery with people who’s names you don’t even know. It’s one of the most astonishing parts of this series that I am yet to figure out and the strength of the bonds created within minutes with complete strangers manages to make you push yourself harder and keep moving. And with that inspiration around me, I managed to get through with positive thoughts in my head and smile on my face and step off the mats.

— If today was anything to show the next 6 months are going to be a hell of a ride, but taking each day as it comes, putting one foot in front of the other, I think I may make it out alive 🙂