Week 7. Week 7. Week 7.
It’s been an interesting one. Some ups, some downs and a whole lot of struggling. For the first time in this journey, I began doubting myself. I got hella frustrated at things out of my control and ultimately caved into those thoughts in my head.
I started the week as per routine. I went to training on Monday, went to work, ate, slept and got up to do it all the next day. Everything followed routine, and I didn’t feel anything went ‘wrong’ per se. But sometime during the first few days, I started to gain a little bit of anxiety. I began to doubt whether this was the thing for me, was I improving? Would I be ready for December 10th? The thoughts would fill my head at the worst of times, and I found myself, zoning out, distracted and ultimately not in the moment. I would day dream during important sessions, lectures, conversations and catch myself thinking about what I haven’t been doing thus far that has lead me to feel so unprepared; which, in turn, made me feel worse and even more behind. It was an endless circle. And although I was surprisingly open about my doubts and was aware that this is something that comes with the territory of doing this crazy, insane program it didn’t make it any easier to get out of the dumps.
Then in total contrast, yesterday I went to the acupuncturist to release the beast that is the inflammation in my hip and something happened. I was left in the room with some 20 odd needles poked and prodded intro different chakras/body parts, and I began to drift off. They had the lights off, blankets over me and just to top off the sleep time vibe had some meditating guru ‘sand, sea and shore’ ambience in the background. I began to nod off like the grandma I am only to be woken by the most excruciating pain. My eyes shot open, and I found myself sitting up, with my left hand on the bed and my right arm wrapping around the imaginary arm of my opponent as I went for the kimura submission we learnt earlier this week… So instead of drilling like a normal human being, with a real life partner while I’m actually awake and aware, my brain thought it would be fun trick me into doing it in my dreams only to actually act it out in real life. As I awkwardly lay back down on the bed, I had a giggle to myself and realised that this little physical action had a really deep meaning to me. And although I can’t quite decipher what it exactly is just yet, I realised that I am changing both mentally and physically due to this series.
Ultimately I know that there will be many ups and downs, and no matter how unprepared I feel right now, if I put in the work, when the time comes I will feel ready. And that doesn’t help get rid of the darkness that we all go through, but it does create the slightest crack that will allow me to keep driving. Moreover, it is that crack, that makes me sit at my desk on a Saturday night, with my laptop in hand, happy to have experienced the lows of this week and feel more energised than before. Doing several sessions without a strong passion, motivation, desire to keep going is difficult, but I made it through. With a stubborn mind and an even more stubborn injury, I still managed to wake up, get to training and work. And although it may not have been my best sessions ever, knowing that even in the worst of days I was able to push through makes me feel 1% stronger than when I started this journey. And honestly, that’s all I could ever ask for.
Oh and Coach Mick thank you for engraining “you need to drill, all the time, wherever you are” into my head, I clearly must have been listening real hard…